Wine jokes age just like wine: they get better and better over time. If you love your reds and your whites, or can’t get enough of sparkling champagne or enjoy a little tipple, we are sure that you will enjoy sipping on these funny jokes about wines.
Funny Wine Jokes that Will Get You Laughing
1. What do you call red wine in prison?
Penal Noir.
2.What do you call a wine hangover?
The grape depression.
3. I just heard on the grapevine that doctors have invented a new grape variety that acts as an anti-diuretic to help with incontinence.
It’s called pinot more.
4. What do you call wine that comes in a box?
Cardboardeaux.
5. What’s the difference between good wine and bad wine?
About a glass and a half.
6. What is a wine enthusiast?
A person with more wine he drinks, the more enthusiastic he gets.
7. It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty or half full.
There’s clearly room for more wine.
8. What’s the secret to enjoying a good bottle of wine? Open the bottle to let it breathe.
If it doesn’t look like it’s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
9. I thought drinking more wine would help me improve my French.
My efforts were all in vin.
10. What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
11. What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
12. How do you decide how much wine to drink?
Take it on case-by-case basis.
13. Some people like beer goggles.
I prefer wine glasses.
14. Did you hear about the dog that loves wine?
He paws it himself.
More Wine Jokes to Laugh Over
You can share the wine jokes over a tipple or two. Pour yourself a glass of the finest and simply enjoy the finer things in life, including these funny puns and jokes about wine.
15. A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.” The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
16. What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
17. My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine.
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever.
18. Whenever I feel like wining,
I remind myself to put a cork in it.
19. Did you know wine doesn’t make you fat?
It makes you lean…against tables, chairs, floors and walls.
20. Riesling… Chardonnay… Merlot… Cabernet… Pinot noir.
Sorry, I don’t know why I’m being so whiny this morning.
21. I love cooking with wine.
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
22. What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
23. Whats a horse’s favorite wine?
Chardonneigh.
24. We have an open-door policy.
Show up with wine, and we’ll open the door.
25. Man 1: How much I spend on a bottle of wine?
Man 2: Ooh, about 15 minutes.
26. What is the definition of a balanced diet?
A glass of wine in each hand!
27. Restaurant customer: “Waiter, I’d like a bottle of wine.” Waiter: “What year, sir?”
Restaurant customer: “Well, I’d like it right now.”
28. I’ve trained my dog to bring me red wine.
It’s a Bordeaux collie.
29. He said his non-alcoholic wine was delicious.
I said he had no proof.
30. What’s a pirate’s least favorite wine?
Pinot No Arrrghh.
More of the Best Wine Jokes
Many wine jokes feature word play based on the types of wine available. They also rely on the fact that many people simply love wine and can easily drink up an entire bottle. You can also drink up these funny wine jokes and share them around for a good laugh.
31. They should put more wine in a bottle.
So there’s enough for 2 people.
32. Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
33. Don’t ask me why I love wine.
I have my Rieslings.
34. Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
35. Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
36. What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
37.Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
38. A man walks into a fancy bar and orders a glass of wine. It’s early in the evening and the bar is mostly empty. “Hey man, love the suit. That color? It looks great on you,” says a voice near him. He turns to see who it is, but no one is there. I must be hearing things, the man thought. He took a sip of wine, and the voice spoke again. “You have a beautiful smile.” The man spins around, but there is still no one there. He puts his head in his hands, sure that he is going crazy. A minute goes by and then the voice whispers, “You’re a good person. I believe in you.” “Okay, that’s it”, says the man , “who keeps talking to me?”
“Oh that’s just the peanuts,” the bartender says gravely. “They’re complimentary.”
39. My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread. “Are we expecting guests?” I asked. “No,” she replied.
“Then why did you buy so much bread?”
40. The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try. The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It’s a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels.” He said. “Impressive,” said the manager. The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.” The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine.
The drunkard tasted it and said. “It’s a blonde, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get this job, I’ll tell who the father is!”
41. A man went to the doctor for his medical check up. When the test results came back, the doctor looked at the results, up and down, before looking up with a concerned look on his face. The man was a bit alarmed. “What is wrong, doc?” he asked. The doctor said in a serious voice, “I need to ask you something, have you been drinking a lot recently?” The man replied, “Yes I do enjoy a glass of wine or two, or three occasionally. Why? Is there a problem?” The doctor gave him some advice. The man paused for a moment and replied, “Yes, I can do that.” Satisfied with the man’s reply, the doctor let him go. On the way home, the man stops by the hardware store and picks up a mirror. When he gets home and installs the mirror and pours himself a glass of wine. His wife asks him, “What are you doing?”
He replies, “I went to see the doctor today and I promised him that I will watch my drinking.”
If you enjoyed these funny wine jokes, we are sure that you will enjoy these beer jokes, coffee jokes, pie jokes or these tea jokes as well.