Turtles are among the oldest living reptiles and these turtle jokes will be paying tribute to them! Turtles are known for their long lifespans. Some species, like the Galápagos tortoise, can live well over 100 years. Even pet turtles can live several decades – just like how these jokes about turtles will live on too!
If you are in need of a way to destress and you love turtles, we think that you will turtle-y appreciate these funny turtle jokes. Get ready to laugh away and have a good time!
Funny Turtle Jokes and Puns for a Great Laugh
1. What do you call a famous turtle?
A shellebrity.
2.What kind of jokes do turtles tell?
Shell-larious ones.
3. What did the young turtle say when it was excited?
This is tur-tlely rad!
4. Where do you find a leg-less turtle?
Wherever you left it!
5. What does the detective turtle on top of another turtle say?
I’m on a hard case.
6. How does a turtle feel after accidentally touching a power outlet?
Shell-shocked.
7. What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slowpoke.
8. I miss my old zoology teacher: Mrs. Turtle.
Unusual name for a teacher, but she tortoise well.
9. What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
10. What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
11. Did you hear about the self-help book written by a turtle?
It was a New York Times’ Best Sheller!
12. What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
13. A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles. The librarian asks “hard back?”
The guy replies “yeah little heads too.”
14. What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
15. What do you call a vertical flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
16. What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
17. What do turtles take photos on?
Their shell-phones.
18. Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
19. What do you get when you cross a stick and a tortoise?
A slow-poke.
20. My pet turtle died.
I’m not upset, just shell-shocked.
21. What’s a turtle’s favorite Shakespearean line?
“Shell I compare thee to a summer’s day?”
22. Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell block.
More Turtle Jokes that Will Live On and On
Did you know that a turtle’s shell is made up of about 60 bones, including the ribcage and spine? This is just one of the amazing facts about turtles. Now back to more turtle jokes!
23. Why is turtle wax so expensive?
Because their ears are so small.
24. Where does a turtle go when it’s raining?
A shell-ter.
25. A turtle walked in a restaurant but the owner grabbed it and threw it out.
It came back 5 months later and yelled: get your hands off me!
26. What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
27. My friend and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
28. Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station.
29. I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
30. What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
31. What does a turtle do on its birthday?
It holds a shellebration.
32. I didn’t learn about turtles at school
They never tortoise
33. What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
34. What does a turtle need to ride a bike?
A shell-met.
35. Why can’t a turtle eat food from McDonald’s?
Because a turtle is too slow for fast food!
36. What’s a turtle’s favorite game?
Beakaboo.
37.If a turtle loses its shell,
Is it naked or homeless?
38. How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
39. What do you call a turtle who is only awake at night?
A noc-turtle.
40. What did the snail say when it was riding on the turtle’s back?
Weeeeeee!
41. Why did the turtle cross the road?
We don’t know yet, he is still crossing
42.What is a turtle’s favorite kind of sweater?
A turtle neck.
43.What did the cow say to the turtle?
Get a mooove on.
44. Why do Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hate office work?
Because they can’t stand The Shredder.
Even More Turtle Jokes that You can Shellerbrate
Many sea turtles undertake long migrations between their feeding grounds and nesting sites. Thankfully, you won’t have to wait any longer for more hilarious turtle jokes!
45. What’s a turtle’s go-to romantic move when he likes someone?
Slow dances.
46. What did the turtle say to the taco?
“My shell or yours?”
47. How did the musician turtle get off his back?
He rocked, and he rolled.
48. What type of turtles are easiest to spot?
Green “see” turtles.
49. A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “you’re underage. Get the hell out of here.”
50. What turtles have fingers?
Snapping turtles
51. What do you need to do to buy a rare turtle?
You have to shell out a ton of money.
52. What do you call a turtle with diarrhea?
A turdle.
53. I was a turtle in my past life.
It is slowly coming back to me.
54. I went into a bookstore to ask if they had any books about turtles.
The cashier asked, “Hardback?” I said, “Yeah, and little heads!”
55. My favorite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle.
Strange name, but she tortoise well.
56. What do you call a turtle with six feet?
A six-foot turtle!
57.Why did the turtle go to AT&T
Because he couldn’t sprint
58. What’s a turtle’s favorite sandwich?
Seanut butter and jellyfish.
59. What does a turtle dictator run?
A cruel turtle-itarian regime.
60. What did the turtle say when the frog jumped out from behind a bush?
“Oh, you sturtled me!”
61. Two turtles were involved in a head-on collision, the police turtle asked the turtles how the crash happened?
One of the turtles, looking dazed, said, I don’t know, it all happened so fast.
62. A turtle walks into a bar and orders some water. The bartender gives that turtle a glass of water and the turtle slowly walks away with it. On the next day the turtle comes again with the same order. This repeats for four days, but on day 5 the bartender decides to ask the turtle: Why do you just order water. Wouldn’t you like to try some vodka or something? The turtle replies: Not now, man, my house is on fire, damn it!
63. A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back. His friends see him and say, “Hey man, what are you supposed to be?”
He replies, “Oh, I’m dressed as a turtle.”
His friends respond, “A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who’s that woman on your back?”
The man replies, “Oh that’s just Michelle.”
We hope that you have enjoyed these funny turtle jokes. We think that you will also appreciate these funny skeleton jokes too!