Being a lawyer can be a tough job. However, with some funny lawyer jokes, it can be made more enjoyable, especially if you can share a good laugh around the water cooler.
Okay, granted that many of these lawyer jokes are poking fun at the profession. But who says that lawyers can’t have a sense of humor, right?
Have yourself a good laugh with these hilarious lawyer jokes that may sometimes be a bit too relatable, if you know what I mean.
We hope that you enjoy sharing some fun with these great lawyer jokes.
Funny Lawyer Jokes
1. What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years.
A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.
2. How can you tell that the winter is extremely cold?
When you see a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
3. A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery.
He looked around this room and asked the nurse, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?”
The nurse replied, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”
4. A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was.
“$100 for three questions,” answered the lawyer.
“Isn’t that a little steep?” said the man.
“Yes,” replied the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”
5. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish?
One is a poisonous, spineless blob. The other is a form of sea life.
6. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Sure do,” replied the bartender.
“Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator.”
7. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of rubbish?
The bucket.
8. What is the definition of “a shame”?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
9. What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
When there was an empty seat in the bus.
10. A lawyer was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil made him an offer, “I will make it so you win every court case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you and pay you lots of money, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will be rich for the rest of your life here on earth. However, in return, you must give me your soul.”
The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked the Devil, “But what’s the catch?”
11. What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
12. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.
13. A 60-year-old lawyer who had been practicing since he was 25 passed away and arrived at the Pearly Gates for judgment. The lawyer said to St. Peter, “There must be some mistake! I’m only 60 years old, that’s far too young to die.”
St. Peter frowned and consulted his book. “That’s funny, when we add up your billing records, you should be at least 90 by now!”
14. One day the phone rang at a law office and when the receptionist answered a man asked to speak to Mr. Dewey.
“I’m sorry, sir,” the receptionist said. “Mr. Dewey passed away yesterday.”
“Oh, is that right? Goodbye,” said the man.
For the next two weeks, the same man would called back every day and have the same exchange with the receptionist.
Finally, the receptionist said, “Sir, I have told you repeatedly that Mr. Dewey died, why do you keep calling and asking for him?”
“Oh,” the man replied, “I just like to hear it.”
14. What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
15. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
16. A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman.
“What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.”
The Devil jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
17. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A good start!
18. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street when they simultaneously spotted a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk. The other three are mythological creatures.
19. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
20. Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
21. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
22. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
23. What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
24. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
More Funny Lawyer Jokes
We hope that you are enjoying these lawyer jokes and taking it with a pinch of salt. Can’t get enough of them? Well, we’ve got funny lawyer jokes for you.
25. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
26. Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
Take your foot off his head.
27. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can’t understand
28. A zombie went to a brain store to get some brains for dinner.
He sees a sign at the zombie butcher offering different types of brains.
So he asks the butcher:
“How much for Engineer brain?”
“3 dollars an ounce.”
“How much for brain?”
“4 dollars an ounce.”
“How much for lawyer brain?”
“100 dollars an ounce.”
“Why is lawyer brain so much more?”
“Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?”
29. A lawyer was cross-examining a witness on the stand.
“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness.
“If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.
30. What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
The caterer.
31. What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
Lipstick.
32. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
Your Honor.
33. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
Senator.
34. What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
Accountants know they’re boring.
35. What’s the one thing that never works when it’s fixed?
A jury.
36. Why did God invent lawyers?
So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
37. What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
38. What’ the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.
39. What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
40. What’s the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
One’s a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
41. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
42. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
43. What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
44. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
45. What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
Even More Lawyer Jokes
If you have been enjoy these lawyer jokes, we think that you will appreciate the ones below too.
46. What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
They’re both extinct.
47. What do you call 30 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
48. What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
Senator.
49. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
50. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.
51. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
52. What’s the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
53. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
54. What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick falls off when you are dead.
55. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
I don’t know. There are some things even a blonde won’t do.
56. Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them.
57. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
58. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
59. A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother.
On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”
“Because the tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”
60. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
61. Know how copper wire was invented?
Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
62. Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
New Jersey got to pick first.
63. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to execute a transaction wherein the party of the second party (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the primary living room, through the dining room, terminating at an area at the corridor, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1) The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction.
2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second party becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the first party shall have the option of disposing of the second party (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first party, by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “Partnership.”
64. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
65. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can’t understand
66. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
67. Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
Because deep down, they’re really good people.
68. Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite upset and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
69. Did you hear about the man who sued an airline company after it mislaid his luggage.
He lost his case.
70. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
71. Why did the lawyer go to his dentist?
To ask for a retainer.
If you enjoyed these lawyer jokes, we think that you will also enjoy the accountant jokes and baker jokes for a good laugh.