Doctor jokes can help to relieve the stress of having to go to the doctor’s office. Or they can be fun for doctors to share with fellow doctors. There are so many different types of doctors but the best are those who can help to make a patient feel at ease.
These funny doctor jokes will certainly help to add a touch of humor to the day and are great for taking a breather after an intense day at the doctor’s office.
Funny Doctor Jokes
1. Why did the doctor laugh at the x-ray of an arm?
Because he found the x-ray humerus.
2.Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
The hip consultant.
3. What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician!
4. Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave?
The hip replacement guy.
5. Husband: “The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
Wife: “And did he?” Husband: “Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”
6. I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.” “Which doctor?”, she replied.
“No, the regular kind.”
7. What did the doctor say to the rocket ship?
“Time to get your booster shot!”
8. What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
“Get dressed up — the doctor is taking us out!”
9. Patient: “I always see spots before my eyes.”
Doctor: “Didn’t the new glasses help?” Patient: “Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.”
10. Doctor: Sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium
Patient: 0mg.
11. Man: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
Doctor: “Is this her first child?” Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”
12. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
13. Doctor: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: “And?”
14. Patient: “Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?”
Doctor: “Sell!”
15. Doctor: “Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed 10 quarters last night?”
Nurse: “No change yet.”
16. Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Only if you aim it well enough.
17. Doctor: “You are very sick.”
Patient: “Can I get a second opinion?” Doctor: “Yes, of course! You are very ugly too.”
18. Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately?
The nearest golf course.
19. A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.” The doctor: “It’s ok, they’re benign.”
Pirate: “Count again, I think there be ten!”
20. Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?
He kept feeling jumpy.
21. Why did the doctor tell the nurses to be quiet when walking past the medicine cabinet?
So they wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills!
22. My doctor told me my chronic diarrhoea is inherited.
Runs in the family.
23. Why did the mattress go to the doctor?
It had spring fever.
24. Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He’s all right now!
25. Patient: “Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!”
Doctor: “So why are you telling me?” Patient: “I can’t understand the writing. Was it you?”
26. Why did the rope go to the doctor?
It had a knot in its stomach.
27. What did the doctor prescribe to the man who couldn’t stop breaking wind?
A kite.
28. Doctor’s son: “Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.”
Doctor’s father: “Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly.”
29. Nurse: “Doctor, there’s a patient on line one who says he’s invisible.”
Doctor: “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
30. Why did the bucket go to the doctor?
He had a pail face.
31. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URL-ologist.
32. Why did Dracula go to the doctor?
He couldn’t stop coffin!
33. Where do sick boats go to get healthy?
To the dock!
34. The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip
but it went in one ear and out the other.
35. Why is a doctor always calm?
They have a lot of patients.
36. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
She told me to stop going to those places.
37.Why did the robot go to the doctor?
She had a virus!
38. A skeleton went to the doctor.
The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, “Aren’t you a little late?”
39. What did the balloon say to the doctor?
“I feel light-headed.”
40. I went to the doctor this morning and said, “I’ve swallowed a golf ball.”
The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”
41. Why did the doctor take a red pen to work?
In case, she wanted to draw blood!
42.Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
He had low elf esteem.
43.Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
44. Why do surgeons wear masks?
So no one will recognize them when they make a mistake.
45. The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?”
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly. “Another doctor.”
46. Doctor: “What seems to be your trouble?”
Patient: “When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour?” Doctor: “Try getting up one hour later.”
47. Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It thought it had a terminal illness.
48. How did the doctor cure the invisible man?
He took him to the ICU.
49. How do you know your doctor is a vampire?
He draws your blood from your neck with a straw!
50. Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
A cold never bothered her, anyway.
More of the Best Doctor Jokes
They say that laughter is the best medicine. Take some of the best medicine with these funny doctor jokes and puns that play words to create some fun.
51. How did the doctor cure the invisible man?
He took him to the ICU
52. The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.
I can’t tell you how upset I am.
53. Why did the banana go to the doctor?
He wasn’t peeling well.
54. Why did the calendar have to visit the doctor?
It had a terrible year-ache.
55. Two years ago, my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.
56. I can’t believe I wanted to be an obstetrician.
I can’t even deliver a joke.
57.What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine?
A pair o’ docs.
58. I still remember the day the doctor told me I was mute.
I had no words.
59. Patient: “Will this ointment clear up my spots?”
Doctor: “I never make rash promises.”
60. What’s the best place to hide from a doctor?
The apple orchard.
61. Patient: “Doctor, I think I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”
Doctor: “Drink this glass of water.” Patient: “Will it make me better?” Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”
62. Patient: “Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill.”
Doctor: “Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet.”
63. Patient: “Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1,000. I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”
Doctor: “OK, then you have six months to live.”
64.. The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The patient said, “Give me the good news first.” “They’re going to name the disease after you.”
65. Patient to friend: “I saw the doctor today about my loss of memory.”
Friend: “What did he say?” Patient: “He asked me to pay him in advance.”
66. Doctor: “I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. We have to open you back up.”
Patient: “Are you kidding me?! Tell you what, take this $10 bill and buy a new pair!”
67. A bicycle rolls into the doctor’s office. It says, “Doc, you gotta help me! I can’t keep from yawning all day long.”
The doctor says, “Well, I think it’s because you’re two tired.”
68. Receptionist: “The doctor is so funny; he’ll have you in stitches.”
Patient: “I hope not — I only came in for a checkup.”
69. As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, “I’m going to give you a bracelet.”
“Has it got rubies and diamonds?” I asked. “No,” he said. “But it costs just as much.”
70. I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery.
But he changed my mind.
71. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.”
Doctor: “Don’t get yourself in a stew.”
72. A man goes into the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a watch. What should I do?”
“Take these pills,” says the doctor. “They should help you pass the time.”
73. My doctor diagnosed me with “Autocorrect Syndrome”
I didn’t even know I was I’ll.
74. How did you find that doctor was fake?
He had good handwriting.
75. My dermatologist was fired today.
I’m told he made too many rash decisions.
Even More Funny Doctor Jokes That You Can Spread Around
Ready for even more funny jokes about doctors? Read on to get clued in on some of the funniest doctor jokes that you will look at while in the waiting room.
76. A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money.
Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island.
77. Why did the king go to the dentist?
To get his teeth crowned!
78. What did the judge say to the dentist?
“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?”
79. Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
He was feeling all stuffed up!
80. Did you hear the one about the germ?
Never mind; I don’t want to spread it around.
81. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
He was feeling really crumby.
82. My ex got into a bad accident recently.
I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
83. Why did the library book go to the doctor?
It needed to be checked out.
84. Patient: “I’m starting to forget things, Doctor.”
Doctor: “Since when have you had this condition?” Patient: “What condition?”
85. What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
For one, you get treatment; for the other, you get oinkment.
86. My kid’s doctor canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late.
He has very little patients.
87. My doctor told me that I had a healthy prostate.
I was deeply touched.
88. I thought chiropractors were a big hoax.
But I stand corrected.
89. What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?
Shady’s back.
90. I’ve never vaccinated any of my kids.
I just pay the pediatrician to do it.
91. Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian?
Apparently, it’s all about the delivery for some people.
92. What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician?
General Ken OB.
93. “Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me — I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?” “Not really — I spill most of it!”
94 Patient: “Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.”
Doctor: “Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking.”
95. A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I think I’m going deaf!”
And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms?” The man responds, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”
96. Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news. You’ve got the flu and Alzheimer’s.”
Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have the flu.”
97. Doctor: “You’re as healthy as a horse!”
Jimmy: “That’s great.” Doctor: “A horse with kidney stones.”
98. Doctor: “Quick, he’s losing a lot of blood. He needs an infusion — what’s his blood type?!” Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “I’m trying, but he’s lost a lot of blood.”
99. Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?
He made a spectacle of himself.
100. What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?
“Do you see any change in me?”
101. Woman: “My husband swallowed an Aspirin by mistake. What should I do now?”
Doctor: “Give him a headache now; what else!”
102. Me: “Aren’t you going to treat me?”
Doctor: “I am treating you.” Me: “You’re just staring at me.” Doc: “It’s called silent treatment.”
103. Doctor: “I’m just waiting for your x-ray.”
Woman: “But I’ve never dated anyone named Ray.” Doctor: “Aaaaand we might do a brain scan.”
104. “Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.” “Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”
“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”
105. A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.
So, the boy brought his teacher an apple every day.
Doctor, Doctor Jokes
Doctor, doctor jokes are classics. Here are some really funny ones to help you see the lighter side of life.
106. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!”
Doctor: “When did that happen?” Patient: “When did what happen?”
107. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into curtains.”
Doctor: “Pull yourself together!”
108. Patient: “Doctor, Doctor I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
109. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, are the test results ready yet? I’m dying of curiosity!”
Doctor: “Heh… not only from curiosity.”
110. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.”
Doctor: “Sit down and don’t stir.”
111. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
Doctor: Then answer the phone.
112. Patient: “Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.”
Doctor: “You can pay by cash, check, or money order.”
113. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!”
Doctor: “Try to block out the pain.”
114. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’m going to die in 59 seconds!”
Doctor: “Hang on, I’ll be there in a minute.”
115. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear!”
Doctor: “Don’t worry, I have some cream for that.”
116. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’m addicted to brake fluid.”
Doctor: “Nonsense, man — you can stop anytime.”
117. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!!”
Doctor: “I know, I amputated your arms!”
118. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.”
Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?” Patient: “Since I was a puppy.”
119. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter.”
Doctor: “I’m so sorry; I don’t follow.”
120. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future.”
Doctor: “When did this start?” Patient: “Next Tuesday.”
121. Patient: “Doctor, Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.” Doctor: “How do you feel?”
Patient: “A little down in the mouth.”
122. Patient: Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?” Doctor: “Yes, of course.”
Patient: “Great! I never could before!”
Doctor Knock Knock Jokes
Who doesn’t love a good knock knock joke? Here are some about doctors.
123. Knock, knock, Who’s there? 3:30. 3:30 who?
I made a doctor’s appointment for 3:30 p.m. Let me in!
124. Knock, knock! Who’s there?
Colin who? Colin the doctor… I’m sick!
125. Knock, knock, Who’s there? Minneapolis. Minneapolis who?
Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away!
Longer Doctor Jokes
126. A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear. “What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”
127. A guy isn’t feeling well, and goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?” The guy says, “I guess I’ll get the good news first.”
The doctor replies, “You’re going to get something named after you.”
128. The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office, having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”
“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”
129. A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girl’s strange eating habits.
“All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?” “Eventually,” said the doctor. “She will rise and shine.”
130. Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”
Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.” Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.” Patient: “24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?” Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
131. “I’m sorry,” said the doctor to his patient. “You have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.” “Will that cure me?” the patient asked.
“Well, no,” the doctor replied, “but it’s the only food that will fit under the door.”
132. The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.” “OK,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
133. A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.” My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it. The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?” The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink!!”
The doctor says, “Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let’s work on your hearing.”
134. A doctor decided to start his own clinic one day. He put a sign in front of it that says if he can’t cure your illness, he’ll give you 100 dollars. If he can, you have to pay 20 dollars.
A young rich man passes by, sees the sign, and thinks it’s a good opportunity to earn 100 bucks. Then, he enters the clinic. The doctor asks the man what he is feeling. “I lost my sense of taste.” says the rich man. The doctor then calls a nurse, and asks her to get the medicine from box 25 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth. The nurse drops 3 drops of medicine into the rich man’s mouth. Then he exclaims, “Is that urine!?” “Congratulations! You have been cured of your disease. Now, please, my 20 dollars.” says the doctor. The rich man reluctantly gives the money. After a few days, the infuriated man returns to the clinic, trying to get his money back. “I lost my memory, I cannot remember anything!” the man retorts. The doctor then calls a nurse, and asks her to get the medicine from box 25 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth. “Again?! Isn’t that urine?” the wealth man responds. “Congratulations! You have been cured of your amnesia. Now, please, my 20 dollars.” says the doctor. The man, already fuming, pays the doctor. He returns a week later, determined to win the cash. “My vision is very weak, and I can’t see anything.” “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take $100.” the doctor responds. “But this is a 20 dollar bill!” says the man, outraged.
“Congratulations! You have been cured of your blindness. Now, please, my 20 dollars.”
If you enjoyed these doctor jokes, we think that you will certainly enjoy these dentist jokes and acupuncturist jokes as well!