Musician jokes can be super funny, especially when they poke fun at various instruments and their individual characteristics. Whether it is the viola, the trombone or the double bass, these are all fodder for musician jokes and puns.
There are plenty of different types of musician jokes that different types of musicians will enjoy. Whether you are looking for a good laugh to share with fellow band members, or to have a go at the conductor, these funny musician jokes will certainly hit the right note!
Funny Musician Jokes that Will Ring a Bell
1. Why was the musician arrested?
He was in treble.
2.What do you call Bach?
Dead.
3. How can you tell when there’s a drummer at your door?
The knock speeds up.
4. What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Saliva.
5. What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
6. What’s the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage ?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
7. What’s the range of a bassoon?
It depends on where you grip it while throwing.
8. What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
9. What’s the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
10. How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Fire one.
11. What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
Who cares – neither one’s a guitar.
12. Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
Neither did I.
13. Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
So the rest of the band can understand them
14. What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
15. What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.
16. How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
17. What is the definition of a mezzo soprano?
Just an alto with a soprano’s attitude.
18. What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.
19. What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
“The Defendant.”
20. What do accordian players use for birth control?
Their personalities.
21. How many divas does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one – she holds the bulb, and the rest of the world revolves around her.
22. What’s the definition of a minor second interval?
Two soprano sax players reading off the same part.
23. What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
24. How do you get an trumpeter to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
25. What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
On or off.
26. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
27. What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
28. Why do some people have an instant aversion to bagpipe players?
It saves time in the long run.
29. What’s the difference between an accordian player and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
30. What’s the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
31. What’s the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by drum solos.
32. Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.
33. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
More Musician Jokes Filled With Melodious Humor
Musicians are a special breed. They have their own inside jokes and quirks. These funny musician jokes capture some of these traits and characteristics.
34. How do you make musicians complain?
Pay them.
35. How do you get the guitar player to turn down?
Put some charts in front of him.
36. How many conductors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, no one ever looks at him.
37.What’s the difference between a pianist and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a pianist.
38. What’s the best thing to play on a double bass?
Solitaire.
39. How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Jazz musicians can’t afford light bulbs.
40. What’s the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.
41. What’s the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.
42.How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
43.How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.
44. What’s a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.
45. Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
46. How can you tell if a viola is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
47. How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he’ll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
48. What’s the difference between terrorists and accordion players?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
49. How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
50. How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and five to sing about how good the old one was.
51. What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
52. What’s the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
53. What’s the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.
54. How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist’s car?
Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof.
55. What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
“Year-at-a-glance”
56. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None…they just steal somebody else’s light.
57.How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
Seven, if you lay them out correctly.
58. What’s the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.
59. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
60. What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
61. Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
62. Why was the piano invented?
So the musicians have a place to put their beers.
63. How do you know when the drum riser is level?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
64.. Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
65. How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high!
66. Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the oboe recital.
Even More of the Best Musician Jokes Out There
You will certainly enjoy some of these musician jokes that are just simply funny. Whether you favor classical, pop or jazz, or if you are a musician who just loves music, these musician jokes will surely resonate with you.
67. What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
68. Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
69. Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.
70. How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write “pp, espressivo” on the music.
71. What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
72. What’s the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
73. Why do people play trombone?
Because they can’t move their fingers and read music at the same time.
74. How does a violist’s brain cell die?
Alone.
75. What is “perfect pitch?”
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.
76. What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
77. How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
“One, two, three; one, two, three.”
78. How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
79. What’s the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
You can tune a chainsaw.
80. What will you never say about a banjo player?
“That’s the banjo player’s Porsche.”
81. What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
82. What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
83. “Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!”
“Now Johnny, you can’t do both!”
84. How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
85. What’s the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might’ve been on his way to a recording session.
86. What’s the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
87. How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.
88. What’s the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto?
“Music Minus One.”
89. What do you do with a horn player that can’t play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
90. What do you do if he can’t do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.
91. What’s the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
92. How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
93. What do you call a tubist correctly noticing the key signature?
Astute.
94 What do you call a tubist actually playing the correct key signature?
Gifted.
95. What’s the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
96. Why are conductor’s hearts so coveted for transplants?
They’ve had so little use.
97. How can a drummer and a conductor avoid rhythm conflicts?
Work separate concert halls.
98. What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
Eleven pounds.
99. Why are violist’s fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
100. How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Thirteen—one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, “Phhhwt! I can do that!”
101. Tuba Player: “Did you hear my last recital?”
Friend: “I hope so.”
102. A man arrives in heaven. At the Pearly Gates, the angel asks, “What did you do on Earth?” “I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk.” “Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates”. The next person arrives. “What did you do on Earth?” “I was a school teacher. I taught the illiterate to read.” “Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!” A third person arrived at the Pearly Gates. “What did you do on Earth?” asks the angel. “I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy.” “You can load in through the kitchen,” replied the angel.
103. A bassoonist was on his way to a rehearsal, but first had to make a stop downtown to run an errand. After finding a parking place and walking a few blocks toward his destination, he suddenly realized he hadn’t locked his car doors. Panicked, he ran back to his car, but it was too late – someone had already put two more bassoons inside it.
104. Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden, they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says “I was a jazz musician…kill me now!”
Now that you are done with these musician jokes, be sure to check out these funny music jokes, oboe jokes, bassoon jokes, clarinet jokes and bass player jokes.